Downward Spiral

I tried to find a photo. None really represent this state right here, right now.
Words really cannot express what is goin on in my troubled mind.
My whole world really is not right.
I am not present in school. My grades are not well. My effort is laughable in the sense that it could hardly be called such. My work is not my own. My actions are not genuine, nor are they conducive to any productivity.
I am doing things I never would think of doing.
I am reckless.
Unreasonable.
Irrational.
Prone to emotional highs and deep lows.
Why?
I fall to my knees, I am begging you Lord, WHY.???
I try to do my best with what I have. I feel the walls closing in on me.
I cannot trust those you have presented me with. My support system is radically altered and is at a critical level. One cannot run a ship alone.
The facade that all is well and in control is barely fooling anyone anymore and I have seen that it is just a farce.
I cannot rest even in my dreams.
Why did I have to dream like that?
Why did it all have to present itself like that...to make so much sense, when in reality I was unable to see the whole picture.
Ignorance is so much more comforting.
It is too much.
I have a strength that has baffled many, including myself. Yet, it seems to be unavailable.
I am cynical. Dissuaded that I have worked so hard, for...this.
It cannot be.
I am breaking apart. From the inside out....
The conflict between love and hate is too powerful. There is no peace until one concedes.
Everything else is irrelevant, unimportant, meaningless...much less.
To ask the question of what we are here for..what my purpose is..seems laughable.
I am starting to believe I am a pawn, here for your amusement..a player in your cruel game.
At least play fair.
The dark is appealing, and beckoning. It comforts, and seeks to shelter...
If I die before I wake,

I hope I get some fucking rest first.